Top 5 Most Ridiculous Outfits

You get a mixed bag when it comes to video games outfits. Some look absolutely amazing with some cool and intricate designs. But it seems for every good outfit there is an equal and opposite ridiculous outfit. Ranging from the bizarre to the impractical this is the top 5 most ridiculous outfits:

Number 5

Teddie (Persona 4)

I umm-ed and ah-ed about putting this one on here because it is intentionally ridiculous and it works so well with the rest of the game. For those not in the know, Persona 4 is a… complicated game. It’s a bit like a mix between a JRPG and a social simulator. You have the fighting in dungeons with weird monsters but you also have to get to know your friends better in order to acquire upgrades and bonuses. Mostly the character designs are pretty normal anime style without too many bizarre costumes (the cross-dressing “Miss” Yasogami pageant and the real pageant aside). But there’s one character who never fails to look ridiculous: Teddie the… bear?

Do you… do you really look at that and immediately think bear?

Teddie is a bear, apparently, that lives in the alternate world that’s on the other side of the television. He is fairly cowardly and is mostly concerned with stopping the disruption that’s been happening in his world. Once he befriends the player he evolves a little more, even to the point of existential crises. Also, you wouldn’t think a character that looks like this would be the most sexually aggressive, but you’d be wrong, Teddie basically hits on anything that moves. It’s impressive for someone in a hollow bear suit. Did I not mention that the suit he’s wearing is completely hollow? Slight Spoilers Ahead Well, it starts out hollow. Teddie just gets creepier when he gets flattened after a boss fight and, after doing enough sit ups, grows a human body. It really does make this a ridiculous outfit. Especially since he puts the bear suit back on every time you go into the dungeons. Spoilers End. It’s a pretty ridiculous outfit but then Teddie is a ridiculous character. If you want to learn more about Teddie, the investigation team, and you have about 100 hours or so to spare then I suggest heading over to Giantbomb.com and checking out the Endurance Run.

Flat Teddie is even worse

Number 4

Shahdee (Prince of Persia: Warrior Within)

You’ve been ordered by your Empress to take a ship of demonic sand monsters off the coast of your home in order to raid and destroy another ship that’s approaching. The weather is uncertain but pitched sea battle is. You know there is a great warrior on the ship too. Looks like it’s skimpy armour o’clock!

It’s also important to make sure that the first thing everyone sees is your arse. Perfect battle strategy.

Shahdee is one of the early bosses in Prince of Persia: Warrior Within (the second game in the Sands of Time trilogy) and she is a pretty tough character what with her two large swords that she wields with great ease. So why did she choose to wear practically nothing? Ok I suppose it allows for flexibility but shouldn’t you be more concerned about the many pointy things heading your direction? Besides if she stands about in the rain like that she’s going to catch a cold. Who is she trying to seduce anyway? Her crew are entirely sand monsters. Is it meant to be the enemy? They’re kinda busy what with the aforementioned sand monsters. Oh well, I’m sure Shahdee has her own reasons for dressing in armour that, if you melted it down, might cover a small book.

Nothing getting past that impenetrable wall of steel

Number 3 

Altair (Assassin’s Creed)

You can count pretty much all of the Assassin’s Creed protagonists in with this one. You’re part of this great league of assassins, ready to kill quickly and dispassionately. You hide in plain sight amidst the crowd before striking with your hidden blade. That’s the plan anyway, in reality you were spotted almost immediately thanks to the ridiculous white cloak and cowl as well as the weapons strapped to you while everyone else is wearing some more practical, and era friendly, outfits.

Awww yis, blending in seamlessly

I’m sure there’s some lampshaded explanation somewhere in the game where they say “The Animus just makes him seem so prominent for Desmond’s sake”. Why would it need to do this? He’s already always the centre of the camera (we’re assuming Desmond is essentially the player here) and he’s the one you can control. You’re not going to lose him yourself because you walked into a crowd. But apparently Desmond has some sort of agnosia and can’t recognise Altair (or his other ancestors) without them being bright white and covered in intricate weaponry. What’s the point in have a hidden blade when the rest of you is covered in swords, daggers, and throwing knives? Remember, kids, if you’re trying to keep a low profile then you shouldn’t also try to look cool. That just leads to guards shanking you as you try to complete your mission.

Number 2

Catwoman (Batman: Arkham City)

The Arkham series are pretty damn good games. It captures the feel of Batman really well while still allowing for challenging gameplay. It’s also great to see the villains and allowing some of the less well-known ones to get showcased, even if briefly.  But you know what does annoy me about the game? Catwoman. For me the best incarnation of Catwoman is the Michelle Pfeiffer Catwoman from Batman Returns. I never liked it when she is portrayed as effortlessly perfect (I really hated the Catwoman in the Dark Knight Rises). So it’s a bit disappointing when they decided to play up the effortless sex-kitten style when it came to her appearance in Batman: Arkham City.

Amazing gymnastic skills, lessened only by the constant check to make sure her boobs haven’t fallen out.

There is an argument for overly sexualised female characters that goes “By what right do you proclaim that this material is offensive? I enjoy looking at it as well as enjoying the game. The sexualisation is an addition that is enjoyable and causes no harm.” This is normally shortened to “Stop spoiling my fun!” Well if you really want to sit there and look at sexy Catwoman pictures then there are websites (most of them DeviantArt) ready to cater to your needs. Games don’t need to have this unless it is somehow vitally important to the plot. She is supposed to be an unsurpassed thief but clearly no one told her that it might perhaps be easier, when she’s climbing all over the walls and ceilings, to zip her top up. Seriously, it’s essentially the most prominent feature of her otherwise rather bland look. I think that it annoyed me is why I’ve put it so high.

Some sort of glue has to have been employed

And Number 1

Dante (Dante’s Inferno)

 

O Muses! O high genius! now vouchsafe
Your aid! O mind! that all I saw hast kept
Safe in a written record, here thy worth
And eminent endowments come to proof.

This is actually from the Inferno, the first part of Dante Alighieri’s Divine Comedy, (Canto 2 Lines 7 to 10 to be exact). What sort of impression, when you read the poetry, do you get of Dante himself? Florence born Italian poet with a love of the Roman poet Virgil? Or perhaps the muscle-bound crusader with cloth stitched into him? (Seriously Dante wasn’t even born during the Third Crusade. But let’s not get into the liberties this game takes or we’d be here forever). When you want to be taken seriously as a warrior in hell you know you’ve got to look the part. Apparently Dante likes to go for the ridiculous:

You know, I think it’s just because I keep trying to picture him writing fanboy poetry about Virgil while dressed as this.

So we have ridiculous armour that isn’t going to protect your vital organ (they’re called vital for a reason), but on top of that we have a red cloth cross sewn into his chest. Oh and you can’t see it in the picture here but that spinal column he’s carrying is actually an enormous scythe. All you need to add here is some really laboured breathing to show off the pecs to full effect. It really is just trying to imagine the actual Dante dressed like this that makes it so ridiculous. I suppose if you play the game you have to play it with the mindset of “Someone heard about the Divine Comedy and decided to make up their own stuff because their ideas are waaaaaay cooler than all that Italian poetry rubbish.” The game itself could top this list, even though it’s meant to be about ridiculous outfits. I understand it’s all over the top stylistically speaking but they could have done something to stop Dante from looking quite so silly. Nothing says ‘Take me seriously! I’m so dark and brooding!’ like having your bare chest out with a piece of cloth stitched into it.

I’M GOING TO SHOVE THIS SCYTHE INTO YOUR FACE!! – Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy (Canto 6 Line 23)

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Time to Regulate this Stuff!

Hello to everyone out there that stumbles across this place.

 

I’m (finally) going to start regulating this blog so rather than roughly one piece a week you shall now be expecting two. The schedule will go as follows:

Tuesday: Game Review

Thursday: Article

So look forward to regular pieces now rather than slightly random updates… yes I know this is now Wednesday but I was unfortunately ill yesterday and wasn’t able to complete my review. So expect that later today and another article tomorrow. As of next week they will be regularly sorted into Tuesday and Thursday pieces.

Cheerio, guys and girls, and see you soon.

From your friendly neighbourhood Polar Bear

Ryan Davis

I wanted to break from my usual format here. I have been a subscriber to GiantBomb.com for about a year now and have been watching videos for a good deal longer. It is one of the best places to get information and entertaining videos about games.

On July 8th they announced that Ryan Davis, one of the lead members of the site, passed away. He has been one of the main hosts on many of the videos and has always been entertaining to watch. It is such a shock and a tragedy to hear of his passing and I give what condolences I can to his family and friends.

Duder, you will be missed.

Ryan Davis 1979 – 2013

An Update…

Apart from my review of the Testament of Sherlock Holmes I’ve had very little that’s truly bad to say about the games I review. There is a reason for this, I mostly buy games after a lengthy decision process because I don’t have a great deal of money to spend on them (I do live in a frozen wasteland after all). So I generally already know if I’m going to like it or not. I admit this doesn’t always make for riveting entertainment to hear someone gush about things endlessly, even though I do always try to point out the bad.

But it is hard trying to review a game when I already feel that I am going to like it going in. So I’m going to try and take this blog in a slightly different direction for the time being and make broader discussions about genres and the gaming industry in general. We’ll see how it goes and if you have any feedback leave me a comment. Until I manage to either get a decent job or decent money from writing (Hey I’m publishing a book soon, just a warning that I will be plugging the hell out of it) I won’t be able to do objective reviews so you’ll see more discussions and maybe rants, everyone loves rants.

Nevertheless I will still title these as reviews of particular games, the only difference being that these reviews might veer into the territory of articles as well.

Thanks for reading and on with the Blackwell series!

Welcome

Welcome, dear reader, welcome to the icy cave here in the frozen wastes. Here you find me, the Polar Bear Gamer, with a ready supply of reviews, news, little features, maybe top 10 lists depending on how lazy I am or whether or not I’m hibernating. Things may get rant-y, I’m famous for my rants.

Basically this is a blog primarily devoted to the reviews of games. You’ll likely find a lot of indie games because I don’t have a great deal of money to spend on AAA titles. But hey, indie games are where you see a lot of innovation and really interesting titles.

So I’m going to go ahead and start of the blog by completely going back on what I just said and review two bigger titles from 2012. I’ll generally be doing one a week but I thought I’d start off with two, one of which I really like and the other… well, let’s just get started.

Welcome to the frozen cave.

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